It started snowing.

Therefore, I need a recipe for peanut butter coconut oatmeal raisin cookies. Gramma?

No answer… oh yeah, she died a long time ago.

Bueller?undefined

Btw, turns out this guy, Ben Stein? Not only a speech writer for this guy > undefined (If you’re a Boomer you know his name, and if not, what the fuck are you doing here?) but also a Creationist. Apparently he made a documentary about the silly school system that allows Evolution to be taught as the singular theory of our beginnings, not side by side with the bible’s story about Jesus riding dinosaurs. I’m not linking to that because he’s an idiot and proof that the number of brain cells one was born with does not always correlate to intelligence, or common sense, at least not when religious faith intercepts, which it apparently did with Ben.


COVID POEM #1

STILL (Upon Awakening) Magic will not save us. Still when you dream  you’re in Vegas  with your ex doesn’t that mean  life’s a gamble? Still as long as birds sing outside your window upon awakening and your eBay search for framed cat prints still arrives in your inbox and your alarm still gently reminds you … Read More

It started snowing.

On the first snow day of our “new normal”, baking cookies is not optional. It’s the only thing to do in this house, which is why I’m searching for the premiere oatmeal cookie recipe.





and then suddenly, you get a break from the relentless:

Audition & Submission Instructions
Must be a size 12-16 to be considered for this shoot. Submit ASAP. Include close-ups (head and shoulder), waist-up, and full-body pictures, along with your regular portfolio and contact info (cell number and email). The client is only looking for older female models for this production.

Do not submit if you are under the age of 48 years old.


This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is steve-harvey.png
Like a unicorn, Specifically requesting a woman OVER 48 for a photo shoot is so rare that we’ll never see it again.

But, come to think of it… 48? WTF?
What if the PERFECT WOMAN is 47 and 11 months old?
Seriously. This shit is wacky.
And speaking of wacky shit:

STAY HEALTHY EVERYBODY. WASH, DON’T TOUCH, DISTANCE, YADDA YADDA.

This is a great opportunity to practice kindness and community thoughtfulness.
Change the way we live and think of each other, and treat each other with respect.
Can you imagine?
I can.
Hope you can, too.
undefined








ACCORDING TO HER, IF YOU’RE OVER 53, THERE’S THE PASTURE

Boomer Judy checks the casting notices daily. Blood pressure medication is required.

“Brand Ambassadors: 22-53
Seeking brand ambassadors for a high-energy indoor sporting event that benefits rare cancer research.”

WAIT. WHAT?

“there will be no sitting positions this year. All staff must be okay with standing the entire time.”

OOOOOOOH, of course! THAT explains the seemingly random age cap on this one.
Usually, the rude and ridiculous age limit is a round number, and I’ve been recently BOOMERJUDY-ING (yes, it’s a verb, a gerund, for you grammar freaks) the usual nonsense of limiting the age of perfectly capable AND EXPERIENCED actors at 50, or if the gatekeepers are in a more expansive mood — or possibly speeding down a highway checking out the MPH — 55. Yesterday I railed against a post that decided no one over the age of 40 could possibly be qualified to act in their non-union, non/unprofessional project. But what’s with the 53? Does something suddenly happen to the human body on the 54th birthday that I don’t know about? And most importantly, did it happen to me? Without my knowledge, let alone consent?

Look, I’m not suggesting that the inexorable (but arguably somewhat correctable) pull of gravity doesn’t pick up speed right around that time, but geez, that’s a bit specific, isn’t it?

Don’t worry kids, you’ll have use of your pins til
the day of your 54th birthday

Back to the weird ad: the event they want to staff with the “53 and under” crowd is for a “high-energy indoor sporting event,” so the AA (ageist a-hole) might suggest that’s why they picked that number (still random, ffs!) but this is for STAFF, not participants.

Okay. They then explain (probably as a way of justifying their ageism) that whomever they hire will have to stand throughout the event. Ergo, anyone born before March, 1965 does not have the ability to remain vertical throughout the entire course of this “high energy sporting event”

Look here: the event is actually going to “benefit rare cancer research!”
Elementary, Emma Watson! The rare cancer hits on the 54th birthday in the knees, preventing cronies from standing! NO! Because according to Ms. Welsh (I buried the name here, tee hee) no one over the age of 53 need apply, so that means it’s not a rare cancer. BUT, since it’s a charity, I’m going to ask some of my close friends if they’d like to help at the event, you know, the way celebs like to do.

[5 MINUTES LATER] GUESS WHAT? THEY ALL SAID, “YES!” MY WHOLE SQUAD said they’re delighted to help out at this exciting high energy sporting event benefiting rare cancer research, because they are charitable, philanthropic and they all have gorgeous new designer duds they’re dying to twirl around in! It’s a win-win! And hang on, Shellie, I saved the BEST for last! GUESS WHO has agreed to be a SUPER SPECIAL GUEST? Okay, wait. I’m over excited. First, here are all my besties that are super excited to show up at your super exciting event:

ROLL CALL: Lizzie! SJP! Vivi! & Lil Tea!

My TEAM! We’re called FOX FORCE FIVE cuz we FIERCE!

OH, NO! SHELLIE! We were just about to order our stretch Hummer Limo (cuz if you’re gonna do it, you might as well tear a bigger hole in the ozone, amirite?) and then FOX FORCE FOUR (that’s what they call themselves when I’m flying around fighting ageism) saw that your arbitrary age cap excludes them! They all have the horrible misfortune of no longer being 53, in fact, in a weird coincidence, they’re ALL 54!

And, OH, NO, AGAIN! My super secret special surprise guest who was all ready to show up and bring her ball and chain with her (cuz he stans her just like we do) can’t come either, because she happens to be three years past your arbitrary age limit! Darn it! And the “ironic” part (in the Alanis sense of the word) is that my girl can STAND! On both her feet! For a very, very long time! Despite being so critically past your cap.

Too bad, so sad. But I’m sure you’ll attract a staff of highly professional, attractive and of course most important YOUNG people to work your event. Especially at your (sadly) adequate pay rate of $18 an hour. May you have all the luck with this event you deserve, Shellie, and please consider from now on not putting a limit on the age and instead using a plus sign after the lowest age like this: 18+. It’s that simple! And it’s SMART, GODDAMMIT, not just because Boomers are constantly discriminated against, making it close to impossible to find work when we need it most, but also so you don’t have to suffer the Wrath of Boomer Judy!

Now I have to go call my other bestie and tell her that you won’t let her work your event because she’s too old. How sad she’ll be. But that’s okay. She’s got other stuff to do.

Michelle really wanted to be there





COVID POEM #1

          STILL
    (Upon Awakening)

Magic will not save us.

Still
when you dream 
you’re in Vegas 
with your ex
doesn’t that mean 
life’s a gamble?

Still
as long as birds sing
outside your window
upon awakening

and your eBay search
for framed cat prints
still arrives in your inbox

and your alarm still
gently reminds you (of
something you may have forgotten)

doesn’t that mean
your best work
is yet to be done?

Hoard all you want.

What is essential is
still
out there.
in here